Selfish vs. Silver lining.

Before verbally hearing the news about the dangers of conceiving I had begun preparing myself for the worst. I thought about, of course, my dreams of carrying a child not coming true, the effect it would have on my husband, and the effect it would have on our marriage. Many times news such as this can drive a wedge between a husband and wife. Thank goodness I have the most wonderful husband that, on a daily basis reminds me that it doesn't matter if I'm swollen from head to toe, breaking out from the medicine like a 13 year old girl going through puberty all over again, or can't personally carry our child, he still, and always will, love me regardless. I struggle with this because I don't always love me so how could someone else feel so strongly about me when they know how I'm feeling?
Given the information the doctor told us and knowing how much my dear husband wants a child as much as I do I often feel selfish. I'm not sure I'm willing, at this point, to risk putting my body through the stress it would undergo with the IVF treatment, with the risks of carrying our own child, and sometimes even the emotional toll it would take with any decision we make. It goes without saying, I obviously want to make my husband the happiest man possible, but at what cost will my body have to pay?
I have always been the type to make jokes and be silly to cover the pain I feel emotionally everyday. Some may see it as me just being positive so we can call it that! ;) I told my husband that the positive of me not being pregnant...he won't have to deal with the hormones that come with pregnancy, he won't have to listen to me complain about my body changing, and he won't have to run out in the middle of the night to get ice cream, or whatever it is I might crave. More positive notes, I can, for once in my life, really focus on me. I can finally take the time to make my diet the way I know it needs to be and the way I want it to be as well as focus on getting the body I have always dreamed of having without anything holding me back, including carrying extra weight to make sure we could conceive. He laughs at my jokes of course but I can't help but feel that I'm still being so selfish because I know his dream as well as mine.
At this point all we know to do is turn to prayer. We pray for God's will in our lives. We have started searching for devotions to help us cope and we have learned to rely on each other. We have to be the strength where the other is weak and pray for each other as well as our future!